Monday, September 7, 2009

Had a DM ...

I've an online acquaintance who posted this about a guy that qualifies as possibly the world's worst DM:

"If you can't find local players you could try a pbm. I know a guy, but he has a a few house rules you should be aware of:

1) All characters have no more than 3 hit points. He says this is realistic because people can die from a knife wound.

2) He uses proficiencies, and in his own way. With multi-classes, your character gets the proficiencies of only one class, the one with the least amount of proficiencies. And you have to abide by the weapon restrictions of all the classes. There's some other things like fighter/thieves have to spend a prof. slot to fight with a sword as a fighter and another slot to fight with the same sword as a thief. And you have to spend 2 slots to know how to use thrown weapons, one for melee & one for missile.

3) Characters can only be human.

4) He only allows players to use 2 classes, Fighters & Thieves. He thinks all the sub-classes & spell casters are over powered. He doesn't let fighters specialize either.

5) Fighters don't get percentile strength. Characters roll 1d10 for ability scores. He says people were smaller, weaker, dumber, and less healthy in medieval times.

6) You mail him proposals for what your character does in combat. He resolves it himself using a combat system of his own design that he claims is more "realistic". None of us understood it when he tried explaining it to us. Now he refuses to explain the mechanics.

7) He requests that all new players provide him with a 20 page biography of their character's background. Don't use the daily summaries off soap opera pages...he's wise to that trick now.

8) You can record yourself singing your desired actions in iambic pentameter for the next round for half the experience points or e-mail him a short film of you doing the same through interpretive dance for full credit.

9) Based on your characters backstory, the DM will tell you what your character does. Because the DM knows what your character is thinking better than you. And he knows how to play the game better than any of us. That's why he uses his own rules instead of the ones in the books.

10) Players are not allowed to interfere with the narrative the DM creates. They are only the players. They should only observe how clever the DM is and how fabulous the story is.

Anyhow, if your interested in playing the travesty that this clown is passing off as a first edition AD&D game...contact me privately by e-mail. He has an open position in the party, after I told him what he could do with his game. And where he could go after he did it.

On second thought, I should not reveal the identity of this person. Suffice to say it is not a member of our group. This specimen should be avoided like the plague.

I think this person could perhaps be the world's worst D&D fan - I would challenge anyone here to come up with a better (worse) examples. Change the names to keep from hurting any feelings.

Let's hear your horror stories."

--Vince Lethal

Yes, let's indeed. Makes my period as a killer DM seem like a honeymoon.

Someone responded thusly: "Out of curiosity: How many players does this guy have?" To which Vince responded:

"He has in fact Two players left now:

#1 is his younger brother whom he "persuades" to buy new game books when they came out. But he confiscates these and refuses to let his younger brother read them so the younger can't "cheat" by reading the DM information.

#2 is a person I'll refer to as Captain Toque. He doesn't contribute much to the game that I've seen, except to bum cigarettes and junk food of the rest of the group. His preferred brand is some herbal cigarette he calls old Toby- it smells like a skunk.

I would refer the matter to the A.S.P.C.A., but I don't think either player would be adopted."

What the heck can I say about that? ROTFLMAO

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