Gaming Confusion

An unfinished thought I still find relevant today.

So, I've been struggling a bit lately. I've been in a fairly deep creation process and it has turned into a sort of soul searching journey through what I really want in gaming. Funny that, as I really thought I knew. That was the whole idea of creating the game in the first place. I suppose some might wonder why I would even try in the current climate when there are so many games already, and so many clones which recreate the old school ethos, and the old games themselves are so readily available. Why undertake something that just crowds the field? Others might understand completely. Isn't this this the real purpose of the OSR after all? To not only allow the old games a place, but to allow each of us to assemble the kind of game we wanted to play--the way we played back in the good old days. much of the energy and impetus of the OSR kept up its head of steam as old school aficionados deconstructed every aspect of the systems we loved  in order to build up the kinds of mods we wanted to see on the old school chassis we preferred. Then we could do what we never could in the old days--publish our own stuff for those very games. Now that we are all "satisfied" with the games we play and our freedom to do with them what we will. Even if we had the freedom to play the way we wanted back in the day, as we argued here recently, we certainly couldn't sell our own products for them freely. So thus the OSR has and to some degree continues to offer us gaming satisfaction.

Why then am I unable to feel at peace with my gaming? Why is 5e so unsatisfying? Why can't I just embrace the OSR and play the games everyone else is? And if the game or community doesn't quite exist the way I wish, then why can't I quite bring myself to create the game I want to find?