So, my last post was a bit personal and perhaps a bit sad. It was hard to write truthfully. I am coming to grips with myself as much as my gaming, so it's bound to hurt a little bit. To summarize in a nutshell, I developed my gaming preferences pretty early in life, say age 12 to about age 17. I gamed past this date, but my "experience" of gaming during this age has always been a touchstone for what ideal gaming is like for me. I stopped gaming about 1994 or so, and came back to it in the early 2000's. When I did I wanted to game like I did back in the day. I've been chasing that dream ever since. Never quite achieved it, but came close a few times.
In this journey I've wondered if it is the game I'm missing, since I haven't truthfully played AD&D with the rulebooks since I restarted. No other game quite offered me the same magic. But OSRIC came the closest and I really hoped HackMaster might fit the bill. But they didn't. So I began to wonder if what I was missing was good guy friends to game with. But I also had a chance at that and that didn't do it either.
That brings me to today's post. Something that I haven't talked a lot about is my fascination with shiny new things. I am drawn to things I find new and intriguing. The mystery and chance to experience something new is a big part of who I am. And the flip side of that is my quickly waning lack of interest after a short time. I even recall buying several other games back in the day desperately trying to get my friends to try them as something new and fresh. Gamma World, Star Frontiers, Space Opera, Call of Cthulhu just to name a few. No one else was really interested though. I would even "stop gaming for a few weeks altogether, telling my friends I was done with gaming and wanted to focus on other things. Of course that never lasted more than a month or so.
Now, on this last point, the Satanic Panic had screwed me up and cause me no end of confusion and doubt about my past times, but I've went into all that before. Now is not the time for a re-hash of that. But it certainly contributed to my occasional rejections of gaming.
But my point here is, perhaps my vacillations in gaming recorded in the last post have more to do with my own ADHD like wishy washiness than it does about games or gaming friends. I mean this could certainly be the case. And it doesn't help. I mean let's face it, we all have enough challenges holding a gaming group together and committing to regular games. You add in some kind of flakiness like my indecision and low boredom tolerance and it becomes near impossible.
So, is that a contributing factor? Well, sure it is ... but ...
Gaming is so appealing to me partly because it is unpredictable. I love not knowing how things will turn out. Love seeing the story unfold in real time before me. There is nothing like it that I've found. Maybe LARPing, but that's just live action gaming after all. It is perfectly designed for people who love constant new experiences and the unexpected. I feel like I'm discovering non-stop when I play the game. So here we have a high return activity for somebody like me, I don't think it's just boredom that makes me give up on things.
Now, I also have a rather low tolerance for certain kinds of stress. And as I've returned to gaming at a very different time in my life it has presented new challenges. I mentioned in yesterday's post, responsibilities and children, not to mention a marriage. All these high value things, and the responsibilities that come with them are certainly more valuable than a past time. But personal interests, past times, passions, and hobbies are valuable. So valuable we should strive to make them a part of our lives to be fully healthy. They are at least as critical as physical exercise. So what causes us to set aside those things that mean so much to us?
Now there are individual differences to be sure, but I believe that the most common reason is investment vs reward. When we are tired, overworked, stressed, or just wasted from dealing with life, taking the time to put on our jogging shorts at the end of the day, go the gym, write on our novel, or drive over to our friends house to game can all seem like just too much some times. The investment in energy to make it happen can just be a hill too far. Even though, most of us would admit that after doing so we always feel better.
For me this has happened most recently with my Fifth edition D&D game. I play with my kids and one or two family friends. They have all really become gamers through fifth edition. I played some with my kids when they were younger, but 5th edition for them is like 1st edition is for me. And for that reason I will always be thankful to Wizards of the Coast, Peter Adkinson for his preservation and resurrection of the IP and those who continue to hold the banner of D&D and TTRPGs high--even when we disagree. My kids are the beneficiaries. And now they have some of the same memories I do of the best game on earth.
Despite all this, though, I still quit GMing 5e for our group first and then let the campaign fizzle out. The investment for reward for me in terms of 5e was simply not high enough. I don't hate the game, but I also don't love it. I will occasionally get the itch so strong that we'll do a 5e one shot. Why 5e? Because that is what everyone else loves and expects. They would play a different game with me, but they'd be humoring me. And that's not a good feeling.
I have read numerous posts about trying to get people to try old school games, and it always includes some injunction like, once you get them to agree to play now you need to run a really good game so they learn to love your game too. I do not like the idea of putting my game on trial. I mean I'll fight for it, try and persuade people to play and advocate to my dying day. But I want to know you want it. I am not going to force it down your throat.
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